She Asked

“Yeah, it was...ugh.”

I could not decide how to answer her question, and it was such a simple question, too!

I met her under the influence, or actually that was just the first time I saw her. We had been talking over the phone and emailing each other, and from the confidence in her voice I could tell that she was going to be good looking, but when I saw her I remember thinking that she was better looking than I expected.

“You were exactly what I expected, just more”

That was the best I could do to tell her what I thought of her. It was a nice solid answer; I said what I meant with no uncomfortable waffling.

It was the other question that I awkwardly dodged. She introduced the question both times the same way, and both times I backed out like a wimp.

“Do you remember when we were sitting on the floor together? That was so nice. That was the best part of the night.”

“Yeah, it was ... ughh.”

“It was what?”

I could feel the frustration in her voice, not just because I dodged the question again, but because she was losing hope of ever getting an answer at all. And she is such an up front and honest person too, what an unfair situation.

Would she want to hear the answer? What was the answer anyway?

Let’s see... What did I feel, sitting on the floor with her body nestled inside of mine? I was thinking a lot different things, but at the same time I was trying not to think too much. I did not want to let myself go and form some type of irreversible crush, after all, I’ve been there before. I didn’t want to say anything because only emotional blabbering would come out. Nothing really needed to be said, it was such a comfortable silence. I was content to do what was objectively not much at all.

In my mind, more was going on. I let myself feel close, as close as I can feel to anyone. I felt like we were attached to each other, or that I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to pinch that moment at both ends and stretch it out so that it could last that much longer. I was as content and happy and satisfied as I could ever want to be.

Later that morning I lay in bed alone, but the feeling of being close was still strong and fresh in my mind. I cuddled up with my pillow resisting the urge to fall asleep; stretching out the feeling that I was afraid would be gone once I woke up. I wrapped my arms around my pillow and pressed my open hands gently on the surface. It seemed like she was there. It was so real. In the time we spent together, her form became coded into my mind to the point that I could feel her body, now absent, pressing back against my fingers. When I hugged the girl - who in my mind was still there, I felt as close to her as I had the night before. I closed my eyes and squeezed tightly. I struggled to stay awake and enjoy the last few moments of closeness. I was slowly sinking into a blissful sleep, and at the last moment, just before crossing into unconsciousness, I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

When I woke up she was gone. I could imagine her still, and remember how she felt, but now she was only in my memory and imagination. Like I had expected, she was gone.