Even More Adventures of Secret Staffer #9



Oh my God, were at the MASTERDOME! No, actually, we're at the Orion, but that's not the point. The point is that everyone was thinking about the Masterdome at some level or another and that itself was enough to kinda-sorta-in-a-way make you feel like somehow you were back at a dome party, which we all needed. All week I had been dying to see my old friend Sid who I thought for sure would be at the Masterdome. I knew I would find Sid, because I had done all the right things before going to the party this week.

I waited an extra half hour for two of my friends to show up - which earned me a grip of karma points.

I wore an orange-yellow shirt with blue lettering that asked "Got Multicast"? What the hell is Mulitcast anyway? Nobody knew, so this was the perfect shirt for a Dome party with Sid.

I made sure to go to the same Shell Gas station we went to that one time when Matt and Danny were frying balls, you know that time we left San Diego at 1 a.m. to hit up a party at La Casa. That was crazy shit!

I even had a PVC Lupin the 3rd Figure in the trunk of my car, and who could be more of a tripper than my man Lupin?

So, did it work? YES! Sure enough a half hour after getting to the Dome I found Sid, and we spent the rest of the party together. At first everything was normal, but that would soon change, or I would soon change is more accurate. This wasn't one of those crazy deep fries with maddening visuals or lots of hallucinations, instead the microdots provided a mild mental trip that grew progressively stronger as the night went on. It took at least an hour or two until the effects were fully recognizable and even then everything was just a little bit different, or I was a little bit different, but we already went over that.

The Orion looked just like the Masterdome used to! No, actually it still had the decorations left over from last weeks MIP party, but that's not the point! I'm telling you, it was just like the Masterdome! Even former Masterdome regulars Nicole and Shilo were there, acting silly on the dance floor of the Trance room - just like back in the day. I left the Masterdome's main area to go to the outside Jungle Room, well, actually I went downstairs to the basement, but that's NOT THE POINT, the point is that as I walked from one area to the other, somewhere in the between I could hear both Trance and Jungle. For just one fifteenth of a second I was back at the hallway that went outside to the Jungle room of the Masterdome. I looked up into the sky, into the stars above, into the cool San Bernardino night, and over to the tower of speakers slammin' bass. My four friends, all girls, were each complete and each completely different. To my ears, the Jungle sounded simply perfect, just like it used when I was frying at the Dome. Moments later, or earlier, whatever, at some point, we went outside to the smoking area where we would meet two new additions to our crew. It was Paper DJ Sammy and Paper Vocalist Do, both of which had ended up on a rave flyer. Each spoke through a small tear in the flyer where their mouths were, and they needed our help to become real people again. We asked them how they ended up on a flyer, and Paper DJ Sammy said that they were on mountain being booked for a party and the next thing they knew they were on the flyer. Not "on the flyer" as in one of the acts printed on the flyer, instead they were now literally on the flyer. Oh my!

SecretStaffer#9: Look Liz, it's DJ Sammy, and he's talking to us.

Paper DJ Sammy: Hey! Listen I need a little help here. I'm over here, on the flyer.

Liz: What the hell is that?

Sarah: I wish I was doing what you were doing. (Sarah is sober)

Cierra: DJ Sammy, what happened to you?

PDJS: We were on a mountain making a deal with some promoters, and the next thing I knew we were stuck on this flyer. You have to help us revert into human form, I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a piece of paper!

SS9: What can we do to help?

PDJS: You have to take us back to the mountain, maybe once were there we can turn back into our human selves.

SS9: Sammy, I don't know if we can do that or not, we just got to this party and we don't plan on leaving any time soon.

PDJS: Holy shit people, what the fuck! I'm a fucking piece of paper, and you can't leave a fucking Orion party to turn me back into a human?

SS9: Oh my God Sammy, you didn't even come with us! We met you at the party!

Sammy stopped talking and gave me a blank, helpless, uncertain look. I tore DJ Sammy and his Vocalist Do off of the rest of the flyer, folded them up, and put them into my pocket. If it was possible for us to ever get Sammy and Do off of that flyer, it was going to have to be later. Since we were the only people at the party that offered to help him, he didn't complain. What was really strange was that his Vocalist Do was oddly content with being on the flyer. I think it might have been because she had a big smile on her face when she was immortalized, or maybe because her hair looked really good in that picture.

Either way, it was now time for the whole crew to go back downstairs where untold new adventures awaited us. Almost immediately, Shawna found a new girlfriend and started to make out with her on the dance floor of the Jungle room. What a slut! Okay, I had to do something about this, there was no way that I was going to let Shawna be a bigger slut that me! I used my acid superpowers and looked into the eyes of Shawna's rave-hoe. Almost immediately, the rave-hoe came to me. The next thing I knew Shawna, her rave-hoe and I were all kissing! This was quite a nasty situation, but at least I had made my point. The next few hours were spent dancing to Jungle, and intermittently fooling around with the rave hoe. This went on until around 5:30 a.m. when we finally left the Orion, I mean Masterdome, and began making our way back to the car, where a sober Cierra would now learn how to use a manual transmission. Navigating back to the 5 South was especially interesting, as all the streets seemed different than they did last week.

On the car ride home, Paper DJ Sammy and Paper Do once again joined in the conversation as we tried to figure out exactly how we would turn them back into flesh and blood.

PDJS: Can we go to the mountain now?

SS9: Do you even know which mountain it was?

Paper DJ Sammy once again returned a blank look, telling me nonverbally that he actually had no idea how we would go about finding the mountain he thought might help him become a human being again. I thought about the situation with great care, and came up with my own solution.

SS9: Okay, Sammy, I've got it!!!

Sammy looked at me with a gleam of hope in his eye.

SS9: Okay, now Cierra is going to go home to Reno this weekend, where she will see a picture of Marcus and me from Cyberfest 2001. You are already just a picture, and have been once since before we met. So, if Cierra takes the picture of you that was paper before we met you to the picture of Marcus and me before Cierra met us, then I think you will turn back into your real human self.

PDJS: Do you think that will work?

SS9: Hey, it's worth a shot.


Here is the actual phone number of Shawna's rave hoe,

and here are an uneasy Paper DJ Sammy, and his unconcerned Paper Vocalist Do